Dursley Disturbed
by TheMischiefMakers
Summary: The Dursley's pay a visit to the local shrink. PG for one word.


# Dursley, Disturbed: A Play

By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: Ummm, well what to say about it, not much. Just an insane fic we thought up about the Dursleys. Just read it and tell us what you think about it. Dudley, Vernon and Petunia belong to J. K. Rowling and Doctor Handsoon belongs to us. 

The curtain rises to reveal a small room. There is a desk and a big plush chair. To the right of the chair is a long couch and another plush chair. Seated in the chair is DR. HANDSOON a Psychiatrist. Lying on the couch is none other then DUDLEY DURSLEY. VERNON and PETUNIA are looking on in horror.

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HANDSOON: Dudley I want you to relax.

DUDLEY: I CAN'T!!!!!!

HANDSOON: There is no need to shout, young man. I want you to think…

DUDLEY: Y!

HANDSOON: Just wait till I finish talking then I will tell you why.

DUDLEY: Y!

VERNON: Uh-oh.

HANDSOON: What exactly do you mean by uh-oh Mr. Dursley?

DUDLEY: Y!

VERNON: He's in his Y phase. He just went through this the other day and we thought he was through it already.

HANDSOON: His Why phase?

VERNON: No, not W-H-Y phase. Y phase like the letter Y. 

HANDSOON: Why?

DUDLEY: Y!

PETUNIA shrieks and faints.

VERNON: Oh no, now you're doing it.

HANDSOON: No, no. Why as in W-H-Y.

DUDLEY: Y!

VERNON: Oh, I'm sorry. Once he goes into these phases I think it begins to affect everyone around him. I've even caught myself…

HANDSOON: You better see to your wife.

DUDLEY: Y!

VERNON: Wife? _VERNON looks down and sees PETUNIA on the floor_. Oh, Petunia dear. Wake up.

HANDSOON turns away from VERNON and PETUNIA and returns to DUDLEY who is writing the letter Y in the air with his finger. HANDSOON shakes his head.

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HANDSOON: _under his breathe_ Another dysfunctional family. Just great.

DUDLEY: Y!

DUDLEY continues to draw the letter Y in the air smiling at it in an insane sort of way and sniggering to himself.

HANDSOON: Yes, Dudley that's a Y now I want you to…

DUDLEY: U!

HANDSOON: What?

DUDLEY: U!

DUDLEY is now writing the letter U in the air followed by the letter Y. HANDSOON puts his head in his hands and groans to himself.

HANDSOON: Why do I get all the mental people in here? Why can't I get something normal like a case of multiple personalities or a past life regression from a person who insists they were on the Titanic. Oh, no I have to get people like these.

HANDSOON looks at DUDLEY drawing his U and Y. Then to VERNON who is humming a happy tune as he tries to revive PETUNIA with the wrong end of a flower from the vase on his desk. To HANDSOON'S amazement PETUNIA jumps up, a scared look on her face.

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PETUNIA: Lily get that wan…

## VERNON puts his hand over her mouth. 

VERNON: It's okay dear. Lily isn't here. Calm down.

VERNON hands her a glass of water and she drinks it. HANDSOON turns his attention back to DUDLEY.

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HANDSOON: How I wish for something normal.

DUDLEY: Y!

HANDSOON: Because, I really…wait a second I'm the doctor and you're the patient.

DUDLEY: U!

HANDSOON: No you.

DUDLEY begins to draw the letter U again. 

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HANDSOON: Yes, that's a U. Now, I want you to imagine a far away place.

There is silence from DUDLEY as he continues to draw the letter U.

HANDSOON: Dudley. Imagine a far away place.

VERNON: We don't believe in imagination.

PETUNIA: No it only leads to trouble.

DUDLEY: U!

HANDSOON: Ah, I see. Think of a far away place, Dudley.

DUDLEY is still writing the letter U and occasionally the letter Y.

DUDLEY: The kitchen.

HANDSOON: Farther.

DUDLEY stops writing letters to think. 

DUDLEY: The sweet shop.

DUDLEY nods his head, a smirk planted on his face, as he returns to writing U and Y.

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HANDSOON:No, farther than the sweet shop.

DUDLEY: The Smeltings kitchen!

DUDLEY looks dreamily at the ceiling as if it was some sweet he wished to eat and begins to trace the letter S in the air.

VERNON: Here we go again.

HANDSOON: What do you mean by that?

PETUNIA: He goes through these phases of letter writing in the air…

VERNON: And once he starts, we can't seem to stop him.

PETUNIA: The last time this happened it went on for months…

VERNON: It's all that damn abnormal cousin of….

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PETUNIA slaps a hand over VERNON'S mouth. HANDSOON ignores them and faces DUDLEY.

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DUDLEY: Y.

DUDLEY is now making what looks like two Os in the air. Then he goes back to writing Y.

HANDSOON: No someplace farther away then Smeltings.

DUDLEY goes back to making Os with wide sweeping motions. VERNON grunts and then faints.

HANDSOON: Why do I get stuck with all these loons? No I couldn't be a vet. That wasn't good enough for Mum. I had to be a psychiatrist like my father!

DUDLEY: Y.

HANDSOON:Because I was the… I told you that I'm the doctor and you're the patient. Mrs. Dursley, you'd better see to you husband.

PETUNIA bends down and begins to wave another flower at VERNON. HANDSOON turns his attention back to DUDLEY.

HANDSOON: I want you to be…

DUDLEY: UB, UB.

DUDLEY is now tracing the letters U and B in the air and begins to laugh manically. HANDSOON puts his head in his hands.

HANDSOON: When did all this start?

VERNON jumps up, the question having startled him. PETUNIA looks ready to faint again. They both seem seriously disturbed by the question.

DUDLEY: Harry.

HANDSOON: Who is Harry?

VERNON and PETUNIA look even more nervous then before and even more startled by the question.

DUDLEY: Harry. UB.

DUDLEY traces a U, a B and spells out HARY

HANDSOON: Who is Harry?

DUDLEY:Damn cousin. Y B U.

DUDLEY writes a Y, a B and a U in the air.

PETUNIA: No dear. You have no cousin. Remember sweetums.

PETUNIA pats DUDLEY on the arm and VERNON faints.

HANDSOON: You have a cousin named Harry?

DUDLEY looks confused for a moment.

DUDLEY: No. Y.

HANDSOON: You just said you did.

PETUNIA faints.

DUDLEY: Y. Y. UB.

DUDLEY traces these letters in the air. HANDSOON snaps his fingers.

HANDSOON:Think of the place your cousin is right now.

DUDLEY: Not allowed. UBY.

HANDSOON: Arghhhhhh!!!

DUDLEY: Arghhhhh!!!

DUDLEY writes ARGHHHH in the air. PETUNIA and VERNON wake up and rise.

PETUNIA: Don't you dare say anything, Dudders!

VERNON: Or you will get no food for a week!

PETUNIA: We forbid you to…

VERNON: …utter such a load of old tosh under our…

PETUNIA: …roof!

HANDSOON: This is not a case of a dysfunctional family… it's a case of child abuse and neglect.

DUDLEY: Y.

HANDSOON: Where is Harry, Dudley?

DUDLEY: HGWRTS

DUDLEY writes these letters in the air.

VERNON: Uh, oh. He's hit his no vowels phase.

PETUNIA sways in her seat.

HANDSOON: Dudley, how far away is Harry?

DUDLEY: Far away. At HGWRTS.

DUDLEY flings his arm north and starts writing Y again

VERNON: Stop this nonsense right now young man or no television for a year!

PETUNIA faints. DUDLEY continues to trace letters in the air in no particular order.

DUDLEY: Spell U….spell Y.

HANDSOON:What is he talking about?

VERNON scrabbles to come up with an answer.

VERNON: Uh….

DUDLEY: Uh….

DUDLEY now writes Uh Y in the air.

HANDSOON: What does he mean by "spell U, spell Y?

DUDLEY: U…B…Y…

DUDLEY begins to laugh. VERNON shrugs but doesn't answer the question.

DUDLEY: YYYZZZ.

DUDLEY traces a Z in the air. HANDSOON turns back to DUDLEY.

HANDSOON: What do you mean by "spell U, spell Y"?

DUDLEY: Harry… spell…MGC… spell…WZRD…HGWRTS.

HANDSOON: Uh…

DUDLEY: Uh….ZZZ.

DUDLEY writes ZZZ. HANDSOON turns to VERNON and PETUNIA.

HANDSOON: What is he talking about?

VERNON struggles to come up with a plausible answer to the question.

DUDLEY: Crazy ZZZ.

DUDLEY laughs manically and draws two Zs.

HANDSOON: Dudley, what are you talking about?

DUDLEY traces the letters Y, Z and X in the air and smiles at the ceiling.

DUDLEY: Harry…wzrd…hgwrts…mgc…

HANDSOON throws up his hands and groans.

PETUNIA: Dudders, please calm down.

DUDLEY begins to jump up and down on the couch, laughing uncontrollably as he traces three Ys in the air.

VERNON: Stop this nonsense right now!

DUDLEY sticks his tongue out at VERNON and PETUNIA while continuing to jump up and down on the couch.

DUDLEY: Y…B…U… HGWRTS… HRRY.

DUDLEY stabs his hand northward again.

HANDSOON: What's north? Harry…

DUDLEY: Yep. HGWRTS north… MGC. Y?

DUDLEY lies back down and looks innocent. VERNON'S face turns purple.

VERNON: Don't tell him anything, Dudders. I'm warning you.

PETUNIA wrings her hands

HANDSOON: Think of the place your cousin Harry is…

DUDLEY: Can't. Won't. VLDMRT.

HANDSOON: What's VLDMRT.

DUDLEY: Evil. Bad. VLDMRT.

HANDSOON scratches his head.

VERNON: Stop at once or I'll…

PETUNIA faints.

DUDLEY: Won't.

VERNON raises his fists.

DUDLEY: Shan't.

VERNON: Uh, oh.

HANDSOON: Now what?

VERNON: He's in his "not" phase.

HANDSOON: "Not" phase?

DUDLEY: Can't

DUDLEY traces N'T in the air.

VERNON: We go through this every year or two. He gets in these moods and stays in them for weeks on end. It's horrible…

HANDSOON: You really should see to your wife.

VERNON: Petunia… dear… wake up.

VERNON waves the flower at her again. After a few moments she revives.

VERNON: He's in his "not" phase again.

PETUNIA: Not again. The last time it took three weeks to get him to stop.

DUDLEY: Mustn't.

DUDLEY traces n't in the air.

DUDLEY: Not… Harry!

PETUNIA and VERNON'S faces pale and DUDLEY'S voice takes on a higher tone.

DUDLEY: Not Harry! Not Harry!

HANDSOON: Not Harry, what?

DUDLEY: Y.

HANDSOON: I wish you'd tell me why!

DUDLEY: Can't.

DUDLEY writes a Y in the air.

HANDSOON: Won't you mean.

DUDLEY: Won't U!

HANDSOON puts his face in his hands again and groans. DUDLEY imitates him then begins to write U, B, Y, Z and N'T in the air.

HANDSOON: This is it; these people are going to drive me crazy. Why does this always happen to me just before I'm ready to leave for vacation. Thought I could have a nice vacation this time. I'd just go to Scotland for a few days.

DUDLEY: HGWRTS. HRRY. WZRD. MGC. SCTLND.

HANDSOON: Why don't you just tell me already?

DUDLEY: Y!

HANDSOON: I don't know why! You won't tell me!

DUDLEY stops writing letters in the air and looks at HANDSOON fear in his eyes.

DUDLEY: whispering Not Harry Wizard.

VERNON: What did you say Dudders?!

DUDLEY: Not Harry Wiz…

PETUNIA: Stop Dudley dear please.

HANDSOON: Now we're getting somewhere. Please, Dudley continue.

DUDLEY: CAN'T!

DUDLEY goes back to writing N'T in the air. PETUNIA and VERNON sigh in relief as HANDSOON groans in frustration.

DUDLEY: CAN'T! Y, B, U!!!!

HANDSOON shakes his head

HANDSOON: I don't know what's going on here any more. I'm not even sure you know what's going on here.

DUDLEY: 9 ¾. 

HANDSOON: Huh?

DUDLEY: 9 ¾. Hogwarts.

VERNON: Dudley! Watch what you say or I'll ground you from everything.

HANDSOON to himself: Just great I think this whole family needs serious help, perhaps "Joe" at St. Brutus's Secure Center for the Extremely Mentally Unstable Persons can take care of this.

DUDLEY: Harry. Hogwarts.

PETUNIA faints and VERNON turns really purple.

VERNON: Don't say another word Dudders or I'll take you out of Smeltings!

DUDLEY goes back to writing U in the air.

HANDSOON: Perhaps it's this Smeltings that's the problem. Many children pick up strange and alarming habits from school, they get in with the wrong crowd or something of that nature. Mr. Dursley perhaps it would be best to remove Dudley from the school.

VERNON growing more purple: Smeltings is a fine school! I went there and I came out fine! I don't have any problems!

HANDSOON to himself: That's debatable.

DUDLEY: YYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

VERNON: It's that damn Harry. He's put a curse…

VERNON stops short as PETUNIA cries out in pain from the floor. VERNON had stepped on her.

VERNON: Petunia, dear are you okay?

PETUNIA: Yes. Why?

DUDLEY: Y!!!! Y!!!!! Y!!!!!!!!!!

HANDSOON: Ughhhhhhhh!!!!!

DUDLEY: Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

DUDLEY is back to writing letters again. HANDSOON shakes his head and rises from his chair to sit at his desk. HE fishes around in a drawer and removes a card from it. 

HANDSOON: Here's the name of a colleague of mine that will be able to help you. Call him. Under his breathe Perhaps I'll call him to warn him about you first.

VERNON takes the card, looks at it then turns to an all time purple.

VERNON: St. Brutus's!?! How dare you! I Never! Come along Petunia, Dudders.

PETUNIA grabs DUDLEY from the couch and they make for the door. DUDLEY stops just as they are about to be out of the door. HE turns to HANDSOON.

DUDLEY: Harry almost went to St. Brutus's. But he went to Hogw…

Before DUDLEY can say anymore VERNON and PETUNIA grab him and pull him through the door, slamming it shut behind them. HANDSOON sighs and twirls around in his chair a smile on his face. HE reaches for the phone and dials.

HANDSOON: Hey, Albus….

Blackout. The End.

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End file.
